Mr. Biggins says that he’s finalised the Big Night’s roster of entertainment and plans to intersperse the evening’s ceremony with five cracking acts. He says he’s been asking around and is very impressed to find so much talent readily available from club members themselves.
Mr. Biggins says the opening act will be old Mr. Lawson who comes on stage and eats things…including his clothes. Next up will be old Mr. Williamson who will be performing under his original stage persona as “Herb Williamson and his Collapsing Piano”. Mr. Green the local butcher will then perform his mind reading act in which he dresses up as Egyptian Mustapha Klew and following this, Mr. Patel the newsagent will attempt his Italian ventriloquist act as Signor Lipsmove.
But hold on to your hats says Mr. Biggins, you ain’t seen nothin’ yet, my top of the bill is a real find; and with that Mr. Biggins suddenly started to sing “Oh, I loves to shove a carrot up, a carrot up, a carrot up, I loves to shove a carrot up, on the top shelf of me green’ouse”. Oh says Mr. Biggins, few of the old timers in the club will ever forget those words. For they were the words of the most famous, indeed, the only song sung by Norrie “Me Knickers Is Soakin’” Podney, “Empress of Entertainment”.
And guess what, Mr. Biggins says, we have discovered that Norrie Podney is alive and well and is in fact none other than our own Mrs. Flagg! She gave up the Halls in 1935 and never returned says Mr. Biggins but she has promised to give us one more final rendition of I loves to shove a carrot up on the Big Night but only if Mr. Ross will join her in the chorus.
In her heyday Mrs. Flagg aka Norrie Podney or “The Dagenham Darling” as she was often affectionately dubbed, was feted and toasted by German Archdukes and Cockney Sparrer Barrow boys alike. Indeed at the height of her performing success nary an evening passed that she did not have at least one bunch of magnificent pansies pressed against her Dressing Room door. We can only surmise as to what led this humble 14th child of a Bermondsey tobacco-scrubber and a Chinese horse-maid to star in numerous musical revues, one of which led the eminent critic of the time E.T. Snoad to write of her “My God, look at the size of them”.
So, says Mr. Biggins, the Big Night’s finally sorted out. The invites have gone out, the food and drink sorted, the entertainment’s been organised and Channel 4 are committed.
Let the party begin!
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