GTI Awards - 2006 cast of Characters

GTI Awards 2006

Cast of Characters

Cap'n Pete

Barry (The Count)

Crawfie

Joe (The Croquet King)

Marty

Pants (and Friend)

Jonathan Ross

Mr. Biggins

Mrs. Flagg

Old Mr. Roundtree

The Yalding Comely Lass

The Four Alcoholic Brothers

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 01

It’s been somewhat of a race against time organising this year’s GIT awards ceremony. 

With last year’s venue completely scuppered at the last minute by Mrs. Redgrove an alternative location has proved to be very hard to find. 

What with that and endless problems with Jonathan Ross since he was given bucket loads of money by the BBC coupled with the prospect of road works on Yalding bridge scheduled for the three week run-up to the awards has, I’m sure you’ll agree, not helped the organiser in his task. 

First, the venue: 

I’m happy to report that after days of uncertainty, Mr. Biggins came up trumps. 

Although Mrs. Redgrove had threatened to blacklist us throughout Yalding and surrounding areas we found that Mr. Biggins, manager of the Yalding Social Club, was so desperate for business after his New Year’s Eve celebration party decimated the entire membership of the Yalding Primrose Club he couldn’t care less who he hired the hall out to. 

When the bass line of The Hokey-Cokey brought the ceiling crashing down onto the dance floor soon after midnight, it was only poor old Mr. Mayfield who luckily survived due to his confusion over whether his left leg should be in or out. He’d gone into the bar to ask his wife and escaped with his life.

Secondly, Jonathan Ross: 

Your organiser had hoped to secure Jonathan’s services for a second successive year but his demands are getting quite outrageous. 

Even Mr. Biggins, as desperate as he is for new custom, has drawn the line at providing all guests with blindfolds in an attempt to ensure that nobody actually looks at Mr. Ross in a funny way. 

Mr. Biggins has also refused to ban the eating of oranges during the awards ceremony so, I’m sorry to say, Ross negotiations are far from complete. 

A further announcement will be made on this delicate subject in the near future.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 02

I’m pleased to report that we have finally reached a negotiated settlement with Jonathan Ross for the 2006 GIT Awards ceremony. 

It has been a protracted and difficult affair largely due to Mr. Ross and his incessant demands which your organiser and Mr. Biggins found impossible to agree to. 

But now, happily, a compromise of sorts has been reached. The following has been agreed with the Jonathan Ross management team:

1. The builders who repaired the dance hall ceiling damage by holding it up with broom handles propped up on books balanced on the snooker tables at each end of the room will be required to install a completely new RSJ. Mr. Biggins says this would please the majority of club members as potting the black will be a lot easier and cross-eyed Charlie with the funny arm will just have to stop moaning and re-adjust his game.

1. Jonathan Ross will be provided with a crash helmet which he will wear at all times during the ceremony.

1. Your organiser will ensure that all oranges provided on the night are peeled before leaving the bar area.

Hopefully this will all help to prevent a re-occurrence of the violence and humiliation that Mr. Ross endured last year and provide us all with some peace of mind if the Hokey-Cokey gets off the ground later in the evening.

Unfortunately the awards ceremony may not be being held in the most salubrious of surroundings this year thanks to bloody Mrs. Redgrove, but if the Yalding bridge road works are finished in time and Mr. Biggins’ manslaughter charges are dropped, I can promise another star-studded evening of thrills and surprises.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 03

Channel Four have committed to covering the event live without any ten second delay as long as Mr. Biggins and I give assurances that the whole evening will run like clockwork. 

Mr. Biggins told them the meat raffle might overrun a bit but he will try to cancel it while I categorically denied there would be any repeat of the problems with the autocue after last year when it got permanently stuck following the words “Good evening and welcome to”. 

I reminded them that if it wasn’t for young Mr. Wallace miming the names of all the nominees to Mr. Ross in a most excellent fashion the evening would have been a great deal more chaotic than it actually was. 

But they were having none of it and I eventually convinced them by promising to have Mrs. Wickham as backup in case Mr. Wallace got delayed on Yalding bridge. 

So…everything’s looking good. 

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 04

Mr. Biggins says he can’t cancel the Sunday evening meat raffle as his life would not be worth living so can all award ceremony attendees please bring enough small change to support this activity. 

All proceeds are for a good cause and will go towards the cost of purchasing two new brooms and the re-laying of new snooker table baize.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 05

Mr. Biggins is showing signs of big night nerves. 

Although the ceremony is still four weeks away he has become very irritable and not a little star-struck. 

He refuses to talk to me now unless I make an appointment with his diary keeper, 82 year old Mrs. Flagg from across the road. He has also installed a fax machine at the end of the bar. 

On one of my daily inspections to oversee progress on venue refurbishment I had to wait outside the club for almost an hour while Mr. Biggins tried to work his new external door intercom. I could hear him albeit very faintly but apparently he could not hear me at all. 

I was eventually given the all clear when Mrs. Flagg pointed out to him that he was pressing his ear to the talk bit and talking into the ear bit. 

I mentioned to Mr. Biggins that the table ear-marked for the GIT nominees had a wonky leg and would have to be replaced. Mr. Biggins refused saying that all the other tables had wonky legs too and that particular one was the best of the bunch. 

I do hope he changes this flippant attitude soon.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 06

Yalding bridge still in chaos. 

Mrs. Flagg says if she has to walk the imposed three mile detour to Mr. Biggins’ office for much longer she will just have to work from home. 

I didn’t know Mr. Biggins had an office but Mrs. Flagg says he won’t talk to anyone now unless he’s in it and anyway he may think it’s an office but all he’s done is move the fax machine into the store room and put a sign on the door which reads ‘Office’. 

I must now make all my daily inspection appointments by fax.