Mr. Biggins says that his newly installed wooden platform to be used as the awards stage for the night is slightly higher than he anticipated but it’s too late to do anything about it now.
When I asked how high it was Mr. Biggins just waved his hands about and said a bit.
I must say when I entered the club, not before Mr. Biggins had asked me yet again who I was and if I had an appointment, a bit was somewhat of an under statement. I could just about see over the top of the platform, its floor being almost level with my eyes.
Mr. Biggins says not to worry he has it all in hand.
Award winners approaching the platform will be given one of the wonky chairs to stand on so they can step off and on to the platform. Either that says Mr. Biggins or they will have to try and clamber up and on to the platform as best they can but he does not recommend that course of action as the splinters in your hands could be very hard to remove and will almost certainly be very painful particularly bearing in mind that you will be shaking hands once you manage to get up on the stage anyway.
The extreme height of the platform unfortunately means that to avoid concussion on the overhead lighting rig all award winners will have to walk across to Mr. Ross in a low crouching position.
Mr. Ross, who will be crouching across the other side of the platform with his crash helmet on will present the award and shake hands before ushering you past him and over the edge at the other end of the platform.
Mr. Biggins says that if there’s no wonky chair for you to step onto at this stage just topple over as it’s essential that the evening keeps moving; time is money. Mr. Biggins also says he and old Mr. Roundtree have undertaken a few dry runs and after five minutes or so of practise the low crouching walk becomes almost second nature and looks quite natural particularly if everyone else is doing it as well.
To this end Mr. Biggins will be posting notices around the club encouraging and reminding everyone from today onwards to walk around in a crouching manner so as to not make any of the award winners and particularly Mr. Ross feel self-conscious.
These rules will, according to Mr. Biggins, have to apply outside within the perimeter of the club’s grounds as well.
Old Mr. Roundtree who stood in, or should I say, crouched in for Mr. Ross says you may need to make some alterations to your trousers but apart from that everything seems fine.
The only person who seems really happy with all this is Mrs. Flagg who walks like that already.
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