I had an urgent call from Mr. Biggins’ secretary.
She says there’s been an accident in the club and can I get up there pretty bloody smartish.
I decided to take advantage of the ten minute journey by practising my crouching walk for the ceremony. By the time I got there I had quite a stiff neck through having to constantly look up to talk to people as they passed so I won’t be doing that again.
I went in through the club’s back door as I couldn’t face all that intercom business again and was met by a crouching Mr. Biggins in the centre of the room in a very agitated state. Mr. Biggins says that old Mr. Ramsbottom had hobbled in earlier to collect his wooden leg after realising that he’d left it behind at the buy one get one free night.
I said why didn’t Mr. Ramsbottom realise he hadn’t got it as soon as he walked home but Mr. Biggins said don’t ask stupid questions.
Then Mr. Biggins said anyway what happened was old Mr. Ramsbottom suddenly saw old Mr. Roundtree on the awards platform practising his big night crouching walk, thought he was having a heart attack and rushed over in a slow hobbledy way to help him. Old Mr. Ramsbottom scaled the side of the platform in a flash (his old soldier training never far from the surface) and while manhandling a protesting Mr. Roundtree to the side of the platform suddenly and without warning – fell off and had to be stretchered out.
Mr. Biggins says that as old Mr. Ramsbottom had his good leg towards the inside of the platform and his no leg on the edge it was inevitable that he would topple off at some stage.
It was at this point that I asked Mr. Biggins if we could stop crouching for a few minutes as we were the only ones in the club and my back was killing me.
Mr. Biggins looked over his shoulder and around the club before a final look over his other shoulder and said we could before continuing, saying that as his Health and Safety record was in tatters since the New Year’s Eve incident, would I tell the police that I was there instead of him when Mr. Ramsbottom teetered over the edge.
With the big night looming in the very near future I’m afraid I had no option but to agree to be the ‘fall guy’ in this instance. I chose my words very carefully and could not help laughing uproariously for a good five minutes at my clever play on words while Mr. Biggins looked on in bemusement.
I started to explain the joke to him but had only got as far as…Mr. Ramsbottom…toppled…fell off…me…fall guy when Mr. Biggins interrupted saying be that as it may but as it turns out old Mr. Ramsbottom has only suffered from permanent amnesia and has quite forgotten about the accident and his missing leg.
Until he walks that is.
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