GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 01

It’s been somewhat of a race against time organising this year’s GIT awards ceremony. 

With last year’s venue completely scuppered at the last minute by Mrs. Redgrove an alternative location has proved to be very hard to find. 

What with that and endless problems with Jonathan Ross since he was given bucket loads of money by the BBC coupled with the prospect of road works on Yalding bridge scheduled for the three week run-up to the awards has, I’m sure you’ll agree, not helped the organiser in his task. 

First, the venue: 

I’m happy to report that after days of uncertainty, Mr. Biggins came up trumps. 

Although Mrs. Redgrove had threatened to blacklist us throughout Yalding and surrounding areas we found that Mr. Biggins, manager of the Yalding Social Club, was so desperate for business after his New Year’s Eve celebration party decimated the entire membership of the Yalding Primrose Club he couldn’t care less who he hired the hall out to. 

When the bass line of The Hokey-Cokey brought the ceiling crashing down onto the dance floor soon after midnight, it was only poor old Mr. Mayfield who luckily survived due to his confusion over whether his left leg should be in or out. He’d gone into the bar to ask his wife and escaped with his life.

Secondly, Jonathan Ross: 

Your organiser had hoped to secure Jonathan’s services for a second successive year but his demands are getting quite outrageous. 

Even Mr. Biggins, as desperate as he is for new custom, has drawn the line at providing all guests with blindfolds in an attempt to ensure that nobody actually looks at Mr. Ross in a funny way. 

Mr. Biggins has also refused to ban the eating of oranges during the awards ceremony so, I’m sorry to say, Ross negotiations are far from complete. 

A further announcement will be made on this delicate subject in the near future.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 02

I’m pleased to report that we have finally reached a negotiated settlement with Jonathan Ross for the 2006 GIT Awards ceremony. 

It has been a protracted and difficult affair largely due to Mr. Ross and his incessant demands which your organiser and Mr. Biggins found impossible to agree to. 

But now, happily, a compromise of sorts has been reached. The following has been agreed with the Jonathan Ross management team:

1. The builders who repaired the dance hall ceiling damage by holding it up with broom handles propped up on books balanced on the snooker tables at each end of the room will be required to install a completely new RSJ. Mr. Biggins says this would please the majority of club members as potting the black will be a lot easier and cross-eyed Charlie with the funny arm will just have to stop moaning and re-adjust his game.

1. Jonathan Ross will be provided with a crash helmet which he will wear at all times during the ceremony.

1. Your organiser will ensure that all oranges provided on the night are peeled before leaving the bar area.

Hopefully this will all help to prevent a re-occurrence of the violence and humiliation that Mr. Ross endured last year and provide us all with some peace of mind if the Hokey-Cokey gets off the ground later in the evening.

Unfortunately the awards ceremony may not be being held in the most salubrious of surroundings this year thanks to bloody Mrs. Redgrove, but if the Yalding bridge road works are finished in time and Mr. Biggins’ manslaughter charges are dropped, I can promise another star-studded evening of thrills and surprises.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 03

Channel Four have committed to covering the event live without any ten second delay as long as Mr. Biggins and I give assurances that the whole evening will run like clockwork. 

Mr. Biggins told them the meat raffle might overrun a bit but he will try to cancel it while I categorically denied there would be any repeat of the problems with the autocue after last year when it got permanently stuck following the words “Good evening and welcome to”. 

I reminded them that if it wasn’t for young Mr. Wallace miming the names of all the nominees to Mr. Ross in a most excellent fashion the evening would have been a great deal more chaotic than it actually was. 

But they were having none of it and I eventually convinced them by promising to have Mrs. Wickham as backup in case Mr. Wallace got delayed on Yalding bridge. 

So…everything’s looking good. 

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 04

Mr. Biggins says he can’t cancel the Sunday evening meat raffle as his life would not be worth living so can all award ceremony attendees please bring enough small change to support this activity. 

All proceeds are for a good cause and will go towards the cost of purchasing two new brooms and the re-laying of new snooker table baize.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 05

Mr. Biggins is showing signs of big night nerves. 

Although the ceremony is still four weeks away he has become very irritable and not a little star-struck. 

He refuses to talk to me now unless I make an appointment with his diary keeper, 82 year old Mrs. Flagg from across the road. He has also installed a fax machine at the end of the bar. 

On one of my daily inspections to oversee progress on venue refurbishment I had to wait outside the club for almost an hour while Mr. Biggins tried to work his new external door intercom. I could hear him albeit very faintly but apparently he could not hear me at all. 

I was eventually given the all clear when Mrs. Flagg pointed out to him that he was pressing his ear to the talk bit and talking into the ear bit. 

I mentioned to Mr. Biggins that the table ear-marked for the GIT nominees had a wonky leg and would have to be replaced. Mr. Biggins refused saying that all the other tables had wonky legs too and that particular one was the best of the bunch. 

I do hope he changes this flippant attitude soon.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 06

Yalding bridge still in chaos. 

Mrs. Flagg says if she has to walk the imposed three mile detour to Mr. Biggins’ office for much longer she will just have to work from home. 

I didn’t know Mr. Biggins had an office but Mrs. Flagg says he won’t talk to anyone now unless he’s in it and anyway he may think it’s an office but all he’s done is move the fax machine into the store room and put a sign on the door which reads ‘Office’. 

I must now make all my daily inspection appointments by fax.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 07

As with last year, it is a black tie event and I would be grateful if all nominees would let me know soonest the names of and how many guests they will be bringing bearing in mind that Mr. Biggins will be providing six wonky tables, thirty-six chairs with a full complement of legs, six three-legged chairs, four low coffee tables and twenty tall bar stools. 

Mr. Biggins says the twenty tall bar stools will fit exactly round the low coffee tables but old Mr. Roundtree says be careful as he toppled over completely when reaching for his Guinness during the topless ladies darts last autumn. 

He suggests tying your black tie around your ankles and to the stool as a suitable precaution.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 08

I heard from Mr. Ross today. He’s really looking forward to the meat raffle.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 09

Channel 4 is sending Mr. Ross’s PR team down to assess the security arrangements. 

I assured them they had nothing to worry about as Mrs. Flagg will be on the door and she frightens the hell out of me but they are insisting on coming. 

Meanwhile the Social Club’s re-furbishment for the big night is in full swing. Mr. Biggins still doesn’t appear to have got the hang of his intercom and kept me waiting outside the club yet again while he tried to establish who I was and who I wanted to see. 

He kept rushing out of the front door to test the call button by pressing it and rushing back inside to see if the little red light on his desk lit up. 

I didn’t even know he had a desk but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t really, he’s just moved the bingo table into the store room. 

I mentioned the Ch 4 security issues but Mr. Biggins dismissed them with a wave of his big fat cigar saying that once his intercom was working properly Mr. Ross will be as safe as houses. 

I didn’t even know he smoked cigars but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t, he just waves them at people after seeing a documentary on Ch 4 yesterday about rich and famous people.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 10

Work is almost complete with regard to the RSJ. 

Mr. Biggins says although it looks like it sags a bit in the middle it’s just an optical illusion and besides with a bit of luck nobody will want to do the Hokey-Cokey anyway. 

I’ve suggested that on the night we should have table service provided by the bar staff and Mr. Biggins will ensure he has a full complement of people on duty. 

In addition to Mrs. Flagg, Mrs. Wickham and Mr. Wallace he will ask old Mr. Roundtree if he can make it as well. 

Mr. Roundtree says it might be difficult as his sister is very unpredictable when she wants to be. When I asked him what his sister had to do with it Mr. Roundtree said he didn’t really know. 

Mr. Ross’s PR team arrived unannounced at 10 am this morning and couldn’t get the intercom to work. All they could hear was Mr. Biggins shouting Press the button, Press the button, You won’t hear me if you don’t press the bloody button. 

When the intercom finally fired into life after Mr. Biggins had once again rushed outside to give it a bash and rushed back inside to answer it, all they could hear this time was Mr. Biggins shouting Don’t stand there all day I’m waiting for those bastards from Channel 4 to arrive any minute so bugger off. 

Luckily Mrs. Flagg arrived for work at that very moment and managed to defuse the situation by whispering in a croaking breathless voice, Bloody three mile detour; it’ll be the death of me.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 11

Mr. Ross’s PR team went away satisfied with security after Mr. Biggins promised on his mother’s life that he would personally make sure that Mrs. Flagg had a full backup team supporting her should anything kick off. 

A timely reminder to all nominees and guests to ensure they bring suitable ID for security purposes on the night preferably in big print as Mrs. Flagg is getting on a bit and recently lost her glasses. 

A major change to the event this year will be the inclusion of a public audience. 

Ticket sales are going well and we intend to house the audience close to the awards area just behind and to the right of the red curtain hiding the keyboard and drum kit left over from last month’s Rick Astley Sings evening. 

Whenever I knock on Mr. Biggins’ office door these days he shouts 'Come' and is always on the telephone, thumbs in red braces, talking to people called Arnie or Davina or suchlike. 

I didn’t even know he wore red braces but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t, only when he’s expecting visitors and besides the phone isn’t due to be connected until next month at the earliest.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 12

Re-furbishment is nearing completion.  

The recently installed RSJ which I’m sorry to say collapsed on poor old Mr. Mayfield during one of his rehabilitation visits to the club last week has been replaced and Mr. Biggins is currently planning the interior decoration for the big night. 

He tells me he favours the more sophisticated and TV friendly approach of lots of bunches of balloons hanging over the awards area – one long sausage one with two round ones either side, silvery sparkly curtains of shimmering tinsel hanging from the ceiling and funny glasses, nose and moustache on the tables for every guest. 

I’m not so sure and will be broaching the subject with Mr. Biggins as soon as I can get to see him. 

That’s easier said than done at the moment as Mr. Biggins is insisting that all appointments to see him are made for times when he’s not in.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 13

Mr. Ross’s people were on the phone to Mr. Biggins today asking for the meat raffle ticket prices. 

Mr. Biggins’ secretary assured them that it would be no more than a pound a book or 10p a ticket. 

I think this is an indication of Jonathan’s commitment to the evening and a last minute no show is obviously not on the cards. 

I didn’t even know Mr. Biggins had a secretary but Mrs. Flagg says he has if you count the hours Mrs. Dixon the widow from across the bridge spends in his store room with him. 

I said I thought Mrs. Dixon was the cleaning lady. 

This sent Mrs. Flagg into a sort of cackling hysteria as if I’d just told the funniest joke in the world. 

She started winking and hopping about while lifting her dress above her knees with a knowing look. 

I still haven’t managed to see Mr. Biggins lately. 

He insists his office door is always open but only when he’s not there.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 14

Three weeks to go and Yalding Bridge is still in a mess. 

It seems the Gas Board have hit some unexpected snags like finding the gas main isn’t where they thought it was and the whole damn thing could take a further four weeks to sort out. 

Mrs. Flagg has lost so much weight as a result of her three mile detour and is getting to work so exhausted we’re beginning to worry about her abilities as chief bouncer and may revisit this at a later date. 

At last I managed to see Mr. Biggins. 

He was climbing out of his store room window after realising he had an appointment to see me but fortunately as I was early I was able to call to him as I approached the club. 

The internal decoration for the big night has been finalised and the red noses and moustaches have been jettisoned in favour of glasses and beards. 

All that remains now is the formulisation of the menu which Mr. Biggins says will be so good it will make your eyes pop out.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 15

External intercom still not working properly. 

Mr. Biggins likes to think it is by shouting very loudly from his office so that he can be heard outside the front door of the club. 

I, in turn, have to shout very loudly back. This state of affairs cannot be allowed to go on but unfortunately Mr. Biggins’ PR staff just agree with everything he says and does. 

Mr. Biggins does not seem to be with the rest of us in the real world anymore. 

I didn’t know Mr. Biggins had any PR staff but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t really. 

The only people who act as yes men are the four alcoholic brothers from the funny family who live in a caravan in Mr. Walter’s field and they’re in the club all day every day agreeing with him just for the chance of a free extra rum and pep.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 16

Old Mrs. Turner has been given responsibility for our big night’s evening meal and came in this morning to share her thoughts on the menu. 

Mr. Biggins says there will be no expense spared in this department and he has already decided to have not one but two jars of pickled eggs on each and every table. 

Old Mrs. Turner suddenly seemed to panic on hearing this and when pressed she said that as her recipes were all created on a pickled egg basis as handed down through generations of her family, she thought that two jars of pickled eggs on the table might be seen by some as something of an overkill. 

Mr. Biggins, however, pulled rank and insisted the two jars would stand and old Mrs. Turner will just have to use piccalilli instead. With a few hasty scribbles to the piece of paper in her hand, old Mrs. Turner announced the following:

To start: Duo of Seasonal Fish Cakes in a Piccalilli Sauce

Or

Pickled Egg Mayonnaise

Main Course: Piccalilli Chicken with Piccalilli Gravy

Or

Beef Piccalilli

All served with a panache of carrots, an explosion of peas, sauté potatoes nestling on a bed of roses and runner beans so posh that a silly word hasn’t been thought up for them yet.

Sweet will be pickled eggs dipped in a succulent home made chocolate sauce with piccalilli ice cream followed by cheese and biscuits and a sick bag.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 17

Mr. Biggins invited me round to see the club in all its glory as the re-furbishment is complete and all interior décor is up and ready for the big night. 

As I had been personally invited I must say I thought my entry to the club would be a mere formality but oh no. When I arrived Mr. Biggins was standing outside the door saying Damn, Bugger, Damn, Damn, Bugger. 

When I enquired as to what the problem might be he said he’d been oiling the intercom mechanism when the club door blew shut. He couldn’t get back in and couldn’t rouse Mrs. Flagg on the intercom as he’d forbidden her to go into his store room on Tuesdays and Thursdays as that was Mrs. Dixon’s cleaning days and anyway Mrs. Flagg doesn’t always remember to wear her hearing aid so there was no guarantee that she would hear him anyway. 

I pointed out that she doesn’t need to hear anything as it’s the red light on his bingo table that alerts the occupier to the fact that there’s someone outside trying to get in. 

Mr. Biggins said I was an idiot and didn’t I know that Mrs. Flagg had lost her glasses weeks ago. 

It was at this point that Mrs. Flagg came out of the back door which doesn’t lock anymore since the four alcoholic brothers from the funny family got locked in overnight after the buy one get one free evening. 

Apparently they panicked and broke open the back door with old Mr. Ramsbottom’s wooden leg which unfortunately completely disintegrated during the assault. 

I didn’t know Mr. Ramsbottom had a wooden leg but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t now.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 18

Mr. Biggins says that his newly installed wooden platform to be used as the awards stage for the night is slightly higher than he anticipated but it’s too late to do anything about it now. 

When I asked how high it was Mr. Biggins just waved his hands about and said a bit. 

I must say when I entered the club, not before Mr. Biggins had asked me yet again who I was and if I had an appointment, a bit was somewhat of an under statement. I could just about see over the top of the platform, its floor being almost level with my eyes. 

Mr. Biggins says not to worry he has it all in hand. 

Award winners approaching the platform will be given one of the wonky chairs to stand on so they can step off and on to the platform. Either that says Mr. Biggins or they will have to try and clamber up and on to the platform as best they can but he does not recommend that course of action as the splinters in your hands could be very hard to remove and will almost certainly be very painful particularly bearing in mind that you will be shaking hands once you manage to get up on the stage anyway. 

The extreme height of the platform unfortunately means that to avoid concussion on the overhead lighting rig all award winners will have to walk across to Mr. Ross in a low crouching position. 

Mr. Ross, who will be crouching across the other side of the platform with his crash helmet on will present the award and shake hands before ushering you past him and over the edge at the other end of the platform. 

Mr. Biggins says that if there’s no wonky chair for you to step onto at this stage just topple over as it’s essential that the evening keeps moving; time is money. Mr. Biggins also says he and old Mr. Roundtree have undertaken a few dry runs and after five minutes or so of practise the low crouching walk becomes almost second nature and looks quite natural particularly if everyone else is doing it as well. 

To this end Mr. Biggins will be posting notices around the club encouraging and reminding everyone from today onwards to walk around in a crouching manner so as to not make any of the award winners and particularly Mr. Ross feel self-conscious. 

These rules will, according to Mr. Biggins, have to apply outside within the perimeter of the club’s grounds as well. 

Old Mr. Roundtree who stood in, or should I say, crouched in for Mr. Ross says you may need to make some alterations to your trousers but apart from that everything seems fine.

The only person who seems really happy with all this is Mrs. Flagg who walks like that already.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 19

Apparently Mrs. Flagg who already walks like that has been ordered by Mr. Biggins to crouch more. 

He says she is making it look too easy because her crouching walk appears too fluid and natural. 

Mrs. Flagg says it ought to as she’s been like that for the past twenty years. 

I must say I’m having doubts now as to the wisdom of having Mrs. Flagg as doorman/chief bouncer on the night. 

If she has to get much lower there’s a danger of everyone walking straight over her without even seeing her. 

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 20

I had an urgent call from Mr. Biggins’ secretary. 

She says there’s been an accident in the club and can I get up there pretty bloody smartish. 

I decided to take advantage of the ten minute journey by practising my crouching walk for the ceremony. By the time I got there I had quite a stiff neck through having to constantly look up to talk to people as they passed so I won’t be doing that again. 

I went in through the club’s back door as I couldn’t face all that intercom business again and was met by a crouching Mr. Biggins in the centre of the room in a very agitated state. Mr. Biggins says that old Mr. Ramsbottom had hobbled in earlier to collect his wooden leg after realising that he’d left it behind at the buy one get one free night. 

I said why didn’t Mr. Ramsbottom realise he hadn’t got it as soon as he walked home but Mr. Biggins said don’t ask stupid questions. 

Then Mr. Biggins said anyway what happened was old Mr. Ramsbottom suddenly saw old Mr. Roundtree on the awards platform practising his big night crouching walk, thought he was having a heart attack and rushed over in a slow hobbledy way to help him. Old Mr. Ramsbottom scaled the side of the platform in a flash (his old soldier training never far from the surface) and while manhandling a protesting Mr. Roundtree to the side of the platform suddenly and without warning – fell off and had to be stretchered out. 

Mr. Biggins says that as old Mr. Ramsbottom had his good leg towards the inside of the platform and his no leg on the edge it was inevitable that he would topple off at some stage. 

It was at this point that I asked Mr. Biggins if we could stop crouching for a few minutes as we were the only ones in the club and my back was killing me. 

Mr. Biggins looked over his shoulder and around the club before a final look over his other shoulder and said we could before continuing, saying that as his Health and Safety record was in tatters since the New Year’s Eve incident, would I tell the police that I was there instead of him when Mr. Ramsbottom teetered over the edge. 

With the big night looming in the very near future I’m afraid I had no option but to agree to be the ‘fall guy’ in this instance. I chose my words very carefully and could not help laughing uproariously for a good five minutes at my clever play on words while Mr. Biggins looked on in bemusement. 

I started to explain the joke to him but had only got as far as…Mr. Ramsbottom…toppled…fell off…me…fall guy when Mr. Biggins interrupted saying be that as it may but as it turns out old Mr. Ramsbottom has only suffered from permanent amnesia and has quite forgotten about the accident and his missing leg. 

Until he walks that is.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 21

Mr. Biggins says there is a problem with the autocue. 

I said I thought it was a bit late in the day to be telling me this as the big night is now less than a week away and why hadn’t the autocue been checked earlier. 

Mr. Biggins says he’s only just found it stuffed behind the £100 jackpot fruit machine by the ladies toilets so he was unable to check it earlier. Mr. Biggins says that as his autocue is not the same one that we had at last year’s awards ceremony there was no reason to suppose it would be in anything but perfect working order. He says his floor manager has only just told him about the problem. 

I didn’t know he had a floor manager but Mrs. Flagg says he doesn’t really, that’s what he calls his pot man Ezekiel who’s not all there and not always here either. 

Very unreliable Mrs. Flagg says. 

Mr. Biggins says the autocue has been given a good rinse to get rid of the bits of congealed pork pie and the pickled eggs found in the mechanism have been removed and put back in the jar at the end of the bar. It now works perfectly says Mr. Biggins except that it keeps getting stuck after Good evening and welcome to.  

I said that’s exactly what happened at last year’s ceremony and Channel 4 were not happy with the standard of young Mr. Wallace’s miming for Mr. Ross and what do you, Mr. Biggins, intend to do about it? 

It’s too late to get another one says Mr. Biggins so we’ll just have to work round it. 

I could tell Mr. Biggins had noticed an air of panic in me. My voice was increasing in volume and pitch so much so that by the time I had uttered my final words the pitch of my voice was so high it caused old Mrs. Stewart’s Chihuahua to curl up in a ball and fall off the chair much to her and the dog’s surprise. 

Mr. Biggins says he can guarantee the miming this year will be up to scratch as he has young Mr. Wallace and old Mrs. Wickham playing Give Us a Clue in the back room as he speaks and has ordered them not to speak but mime everything between now and the big night and if that doesn’t do it then he’s buggered if he knows what will. 

I don’t think it’s wise to tell Channel 4 of this development, best to hope they don’t notice on the night.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 22

Old Mr. Jones was knocked down by a bus in the High Street today. 

Mrs. Wickham mimed 'Look out mind that bus' but poor old Mr. Jones didn’t hear her. This has upset the apple cart in more ways than one.  

Old Mr. Jones was going to be our lighting man for the big night as he is the only one with a projector and some coloured glass. Our only hope now is if Mrs. Jones will let us borrow it and even if she does which is by no means a forgone conclusion, Mr. Biggins will still 

have the job of training up a new operator at short notice. 

Projectors can be very tricky things I’ve been told. 

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 23

Young Mr. Wallace and old Mrs. Wickham’s miming skills are improving by the day. 

The daily Give Us A Clue sessions in the back room are proving to be a marvellous training ground in developing their skills. 

Mrs. Wickham is undoubtedly the master or should I say, mistress of the game. 

I will never forget her, exhausted and on her knees, finishing off An Officer and a Gentleman in under two minutes and she notably excelled herself this morning after young Mr. Wallace took only a few seconds to recognise her Fanny by Gaslight.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 24

Microphones. 

Mr. Biggins says microphones, have we got any. 

I asked Channel 4 if they were providing them but they say they are on a low budget and once the price of the meat raffle tickets had been factored in they were way over budget so they will only be providing one camera and cameraman and nothing else. 

Mr. Biggins says this is something of a blow but he’ll work round it. 

When I asked Mr. Biggins how many microphones he could lay his hands on he told me none but he did have three children. Before I could say anything he explained that last Christmas he’d bought each of them one of those novelty microphones that change the speaker’s voice into various different sounds and that he was sure that Tom, Rebecca and Justin wouldn’t mind if he borrowed them for the evening. 

I said that’s all very well but what if Mr. Ross doesn’t want to sound like a Dalek and Mr. Biggins said that would be all right, he could choose from five other voices including Donald Duck if he wanted. 

I don’t think it’s wise to tell Channel 4 of this development, best just hope they and Mr. Ross don’t notice on the night.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 25

Mr. Ross has said that unlike last year when he announced the winners and got knocked on the back of the head by an orange which really really hurt and although he will be wearing a crash helmet he doesn’t want to announce the winner this year. 

He is suggesting that we have some special guests opening the envelopes and announcing the winners while he, as usual, stands around doing bugger all until it’s time to announce the commercial breaks. 

I shall be contacting you all at a later date for the name of your special guest should he or she be called upon to participate.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 26

Mrs. Flagg says Mrs. Dixon the cleaning lady is now working full time seven days a week cleaning Mr. Biggins’ store room and that if I need to see him in future I have to give at least four hours notice. 

Mrs. Flagg says she barged in unannounced the other day and found Mr. Biggins and Mrs. Dixon practising their crouching walk exercises, well that’s what Mr. Biggins said anyway but Mrs. Flagg says if you ask her there was a lot of crouching going on but not much walking.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 27

I have some good news and bad news. 

The good news is that Mrs. Jones will lend us Mr. Jones’ projector but the bad news is that as the coloured slides of glass to go with it were in Mr. Jones’ back pocket at the time of his accident she can only provide the shattered remains. This is obviously a set back but Mr. Biggins in his usual optimistic manner says he’ll work round it. 

I did mention to him that a projector shining through tiny fragments of shattered glass is likely to give the impression that Mr. Ross has contracted bubonic plague or at best had a severe flare up of acne but Mr. Biggins just shrugged his shoulders and ignored me. 

Mr. Biggins says it won’t matter too much because the crash helmet he’s got for Mr. Ross is one of those all-in jobs that cover the head and face completely anyway. 

I said it might then prove very difficult for Mr. Ross to speak or even make himself heard from within the confines of said helmet but Mr. Biggins says that’s all right, Mr. Ross can mime along with young Mr. Wallace and old Mrs. Wickham and the whole affair will have a more roundness and fluidity to it with Mr. Ross being integrated seamlessly into the mime. 

I do hope Mr. Biggins is right.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 28

Mr. Biggins says that as the final result of the championship is so finely poised he feels that we should make the most of the situation by giving the Big Night more oomph as he puts it. 

He has been talking to the committee members and he intends to intersperse the evening’s events with various cabaret performances. Mrs. Flagg says he got the idea from watching The Brits Awards the other night and thinks a bit of controversy would do the Big Night no harm at all. 

It’s all about ratings, ratings, ratings Mr. Biggins says. I said that was all very well but I hoped the acts would not be too controversial  as we could get the plug pulled and be replaced on the night with three hours of repeats of The Vicar of Dibley Christmas Specials and that would never do. 

Mrs. Flagg says she’s tried to find out what Mr. Biggins’ plans are for the cabaret but when she asks all he does is wink and tap his nose. I am getting increasingly concerned that Mr. Biggins is going to spring the cabaret on us live on the night giving us no time to approve the acts beforehand. 

My left eye is starting to twitch again.

GTI Awards 2006 - Progress Report 29

Old Mr. Mayfield has recovered from the trauma he experienced last New Year’s Eve when the club ceiling collapsed on top of the full membership of Yalding’s Primrose Club and also when Mr. Biggins’ RSJ flattened him a few months later. 

He has restarted his interrupted rehabilitation programme by visiting the club once more. His psychiatrist has told him he must get back on his horse immediately i.e. he must stand under an RSJ as soon as possible otherwise he’ll never recover mentally. 

He’d clocked up a good two minutes without breaking down when one of Mr. Biggins’ two twelve foot concrete statues he’d erected at either end of the stage suddenly broke free from its moorings and pinned poor old Mr. Mayfield to the floor. 

Mrs. Flagg says that although poor old Mr. Mayfield needs extensive surgery to his crushed rib cage his lucky rabbit’s foot, which he carried everywhere, was found lying next to him completely unscathed and in perfect condition. 

Mr. Biggins says he never used to believe in all that lucky charm stuff before but he does now because how else can you explain it.