Joe
I’m
afraid as King GIT (at the moment) and as befits royalty, I never carry any
small change or, in fact, any money at all.
That’s
what I have been telling the deckchair man on Brighton beach.
And
that’s why he moved me off to sit in the knit and spit shelter with the old
dears.
I
think one of them fancies me. I wonder if she’s got any money.
It
still might not be too late to be a toy boy. It’s all relative.
Anyway,
could I rely on one of my subjects to buy my raffle tickets for me?
Should
I win I’ll give you a sausage.
The Count
Please
let Mr. Biggins know that I shall be bringing five guests besides myself. That
is subject to confirmation of course as they all have busy schedules. Whilst in
London Victoria
Cap'n
Mr.
Biggins says is that 5 or 6 guests turning up Count? He's counted 6 if you
include Jade but he's not keen on her coming if it can be avoided in case she
brings her mum.
Mr.
Biggins has also stated that if he doesn't get the guest lists from all other
nominees he can't guarantee admission on the big night so he'd be obliged if he
can have them all by the weekend.
The Count
I
think telling Jade that she can't come might be quite dangerous at this stage
of her treatment at The Priory. She doesn't want to feel any more unwanted.
Assure Mr Biggins that her Mum won't be coming. I understand that Jade is now
the most unpopular Goody - a position previously held by Bill Oddie for the
last 30 odd years
Crawfie
I'll
be there! I'm afraid that I have a little bit of a tummy problem at the
moment that can be slightly embarrasing, it may be best if i can be seated in a
well ventilated area.
Pants
Sit
next to Biggins, Crawfie, they'll all blame him
I
will be attending with 3 guest prostitutes
Marty
I'm
bringing Dita Von Teese, Cliff Richard, Dennis Wise and Michael Foot's right
foot
Cap'n
Mr.
Biggins says that as he's only got 6 wonky tables and 36 good wonky
chairs, each nominee will have their own table which will seat up to 6 people.
With there being 5 nominees it does mean there will be a spare wonky table and
chairs which Mr. Biggins says he could use as an overflow if necessary but he
would prefer to use it as additional seating for committee members. Therefore
only a maximum of 5 guests per table is permissable. As The Count is
already over his quota by one guest Mr. Biggins says he will either have
to tell one of them they can't come or they will have to sit right at the
back on a tall bar stool next to a low coffee table. He also says that as
Mr. Crawfie doesn't seem to have any friends and won't be bringing anybody
would it be all right if he joined Mr. Pants' table with the 3
prostitutes or has Mr. Pants got any objections to this? This would give Mr.
Pants' table 1 spare place and free up Mr. Crawfie's table and chairs for
the use of more committe members and their guests.
Mr.
Biggins says that if Mr. Crawfie's tummy problem hasn't cleared up by the big
night he'll get his floor manager to drag Mr. Pants, Mr. Crawfie and the 3
prostitutes table over to the side next to the kitchen where old Mrs. Turner
will be cooking her 1997 award winning pub bar snack 'Sprout and Cabbage
Cheesey Bake'. That should give Mr. Crawfie plenty of opportunity to blame
someone else.
Mr.
Biggins says he doesn't want it all to get out of hand so if any of your guests
want to bring guests, let him know soonest although he has no idea where
they'll be seated.
The Count
David
Beckham has had to cancel so I'm down to five guests again. That should please
Mr. Biggins. However, if no one minds, I'm thinking of taking the one remaining
space on the Pantster's table with the three prostitutes
After
Joe's excellent summary of his year as King Git, I have agreed reluctantly to
be interviewed in my own home by 'Goodbye' magazine. I say 'reluctantly'
because I felt that Joe's speech would be difficult to follow. However,
having at first refused the interview, there was a knock at my door late one
evening. I suspected trouble so I sent my son to open the door whilst I hid
behind the sofa. My son returned to tell me that there was a man at the door
with a bald head. Resisting the urge to say 'Well tell him I've already got
one', I crept out from behind the sofa. There at the door stood none other than
Mr. Biggins.
'I
hear you're not going to talk to 'Goodbye' magazine', Mr. Biggins began with
great gusto. Yes, he'd brought Joe's farting neighbour with him for support.
'What
of it?', I sneerily replied.
At
this point Mr. Biggins turned nasty with great gusto (who had begun trumpeting
in a most offensive manner). 'Well it's like this, sunshine. We need the
publicity for the meat raffle and either you do the interview or me and me
mates from the village will pay you a visit.' I then noticed he was
standing with legs akimbo (that well-known wrestler and East End thug). Knowing that
Mr. Biggins is from Yalding, the thought of a visit from 'the lads from
the village' was enough to make me agree to do the interview after all.
Mr.
Biggins disappeared into the night accompanied by Great Gusto and Legs Akimbo
(who, I've recently discovered, used to be a female wrestler by the name of
Fancy Fonts).
An
extract from the interview appears below.
'Goodbye'
magazine : Well thanks for letting us interview you, Barry.
Me
: A pleasure. I jumped at the chance.
'Goodbye'
magazine : You've been called conceited, ugly and a pain in the arse. How did
it make you feel to hear your mother speak like that about you?
Me
: Well it's tough when you're brought up in a broken home.
'Goodbye'
magazine : I didn't realise you came from a broken home. Did your father leave
at an early age?
Me
: No, he was 65 when he went.
'Goodbye'
magazine : No, I meant were you still young when he left?
Me
: Yes, I'd only just turned 25. Imagine how I felt when I realised that there
were going to be no more bedtime stories from Daddy.
'Goodbye'
magazine : Yes, it must have come as a shock. May I turn now to the GTI
quiz.
Me
: If you must.
'Goodbye'
magazine : Last year you were pushed into second place when Joe was the only
person who managed to get the final bonus question right. How did that make you
feel?
Me
: Well I expect you're thinking that I would have felt bitter, disappointed,
resentful and generally upset.
'Goodbye'
magazine : It would have been understandable.
Me
: Well I did feel that way but I tried to conceal my emotions. However, after a
year of bottling up my feelings, I could stand it no more and I decided to ruin
Joe's speech about his year as King Git. Yes, I can now reveal it was me who
hired that specially trained dog to ruin Joe's speech. I'm not proud and I now
regret my actions, particularly as it all seems to have backfired. The mishaps
with the dog seem to have endeared Joe even more to his adoring fans.
'Goodbye'
magazine : I see. Let's turn to this year's GTI competition now...
The
rest of the interview can be read in next month's 'Goodbye' magazine (if it
makes the editor's cut which is unlikely when it's up against the likes of Posh
and Becks, Torville and Dean, Orville and Keith Harris etc.).
Joe
Joe had been reading the progress reports from the front line
at Yalding and was getting more and more anxious.
Nightmares came every night with vivid pictures of a total
disaster for him at the awards ceremony. Perhaps the biggest concern was the
fact that he had not yet received the VIP package which
would enable him backstage into the VIP area. Where
was the little dangly badge with “Access All Areas” written on it? Where were
the instructions of which door to enter and at what time would the press be
there and how long should the acceptance speech be?
All this information should have reached a big star like him
by now with such a short time to go.
What was even more worrying for him, he hadn’t received any
invitation at all.
None. Zilch. Zero.
Slow post? Admin error?
Must be.
But Joe was also worried about his treatment should he
actually attend.
Ever since The Strange Case Of The Dog On The Stage, when the
animal turned out to have been trained by Barry to ruin his big presentation,
Joe had been concerned about what Barry had lined up next.
As Barry’s confession was contained in part one of an article
in Goodbye Magazine, Joe had been eagerly awaiting part two but nothing had
appeared. Joe tried to phone them but the conversation never got very far.
You see when the magazine answered, each time the operator
said “Hello, Goodbye.”
This always triggered Joe’s reflex reply “Goodbye” and he put
the phone down.
Every time.
It is true that after a few times, the odd coarse word
was uttered, but Joe never got passed this point.
So he has now decided to write to them.
Hello Goodbye.
Yours sincerely,
Jo….. Damn.
Goodbye Dear….
(Sorry)
Dear Goodbye,
For various reasons which need not concern you nosey devils, I am
writing to find out what has happened to the second part of Barry’s sordid
confessions regarding his sabotage attempt of my wonderful recent appearance at
my King GIT for a year celebrations.
I had no idea that the miserable dog had been set up to try to make
me look a fool (obviously without success) and it has set me thinking about
other odd events which have happened to me of late.
For instance I want you to know that I will sue if part two
mentions anything about the goat or the sheep or the gorilla. These were very
personal and private moments between us and are not to be bandied about.
Mind you I did have my suspicions and, if Barry was in any of those
skins at the time, I doubt whether he would want to admit to anything anyway.
Some things are best left private but I want him to know that, if it was him,
then all my promises made in the heat of the moment at the time are null and
void. I didn’t mean any of them, and he won’t get another blade of grass or
banana from me, let alone a phone call and flowers.
If however Barry was not involved then forget I said anything.
Goodbye for now Goodbye.
Goodbye.
Mum’s the word
Mr.
Biggins says that Mrs. Flagg is in charge of tickets/backstage passes and all
that so she will be contacting everyone in due course. She has a bad back at
the moment from too much stooping. Mr. Biggins also says that he's been buying
every bloody issue of Hello Goodbye magazine or whatever the hell it's called
and he concurs with Joe. Where is part two of the article? He can't afford
to keep spending a pound a week from committee funds on Hello Goodbye or
whatever the hell it's called when he's trying to allocate committee funds to
the big night.
The Count
I
understand that 'Goodbye' magazine is writing a reply to Joe's letter as we
speak. The publication or non-publication of the rest of the interview will be
the subject of that letter. Apparently, 'Goodbye' magazine has tried to contact
Joe several times by phone but as soon as the editor says that it's 'Goodbye',
Joe hangs up.
Goodbye
(Joe, pick up the letter again) magazine replies :
Dear
Joe,
Thank
you for your letter regarding the rest of the interview with Barry. We
have yet to publish it and it is unlikely that we ever will.
Firstly,
Barry's first interview only got published after we had a visit from Mr.
Biggins accompanied by Mr. Gusto and Mr. Akimbo who let us know in no uncertain
terms what would happen if we didn't publish. We have had no such visit
regarding the second part and can only conclude that the first part did nothing
to enhance sales of tickets for the meat raffle.
Secondly,
the stories you are so concerned about were indeed in the second part of the
interview. However, the ones involving yourself, Barry, the sheep's skin, and
the goat's skin were unpublishable. As for the gorilla, we can only assume that
was Barry himself who, in a dark room, is easily mistaken for a gorilla
with his unkempt, unshaven appearance. Goodbye (don't put the letter down, Joe
- we haven't finished yet) magazine only publishes good clean scandal. Anything
involving animals is verboten as they say in Germany
Goodbye
(not yet, Joe, pick it up again) thanks you for your interest and wonders if
you would fill out the short questionnaire attached. This helps us find out
about our target audience and allows us to publish articles which are a little
more up your strasse as they say in Germany
You
can put the letter down now, Joe.
Goodbye
from Goodbye.
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