CHAPTER FIFTEEN
As Mr. Ross quickly disappears back to his green room
and locks the door in order to discuss world affairs with Pants’ three
prostitutes, the Channel 4 producer is moving three cameras into position
around the stage. Mr. Biggins crouches past the GIT’s table and Joe takes the
opportunity to ask him, “What’s going on? I thought there was only one camera
available for this evening?”
“Oh we were told earlier that if we could provide two
extra operators then Channel 4 would provide two extra cameras for the climax
of the evening,” says Mr. Biggins.
It’s here, dear reader, that
you may find the following account distressing, consisting as it does, of the
most blatant form of plagiarism ever conducted in the name of ‘padding out the
story ‘til it hurts’. The fact that the original routine was a stroke of genius
means it’s still pretty funny even now.
“The two extra cameramen you’ve got. Do you know
their names then?” asks Joe.
“I certainly do,” says Mr. Biggins, “In fact all
three of them are very good friends of mine.”
“Who are they?” says Joe.
“Well, as you know, we’ve got three camera
positions,” says Mr. Biggins, “Hoo’s on first, Watt’s on second and that black
chap Idono is on third camera.”
“Hang on,” says Joe, “I thought you said they were
all good friends of yours?”
“They are.”
“And you don’t know their names?”
“Well obviously I do.”
“Then who’s on first?”
“Yes”
“I mean the bloke’s name.”
“That’s it,” says Mr. Biggins.
“Well who gets the money?” says Joe.
“He does. All of it. Sometimes his wife comes along
and collects it though.”
“Whose wife?”
“Yes.”
Joe looks across at Pants. Pants shrugs and says
nothing.
“What’s wrong with that?” says Mr. Biggins.
“Look, all I want to know is, how the bloke would
sign his name?” says Joe.
“Hoo,” says Mr. Biggins.
“The bloke.”
“Hoo.”
“How does he sign…”
“That’s how he signs it.”
“Who?”
“Yes.”
Joe looks across at The Count. The Count shrugs and
says nothing.
“All I’m trying to find out is, what’s the bloke’s
name on the first camera?” says Joe.
“No, Watt is on second camera,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I’m not asking you who’s on second camera.”
“Hoo’s on first camera.”
“Hang on. One bleedin’ camera at a time,” says Joe.
“Well don’t change the cameramen around,” says Mr.
Biggins irritably.
“I’m not changing anybody. I’m only asking you who’s
on the first camera.”
“Hoo.”
“The bloke on first camera.”
“Hoo.”
“The bloke on first camera position.”
“Hoo.”
“The bloke filming…”
“Hoo is on first camera,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I’m asking you,” says Joe.
“That’s the man’s name.”
“That’s whose name?”
“Yes.”
“Well go on tell me,” says Joe.
“That’s it,” says Mr. Biggins.
“That’s who?”
“Yes.”
Joe looks across at Pants again. Pants shrugs and
says nothing.
“Look, you’ve got a first cameraman,” says Joe.
“Of course,” says Mr. Biggins.
“Who’s operating it?”
“That’s right.”
“When you pay the first cameraman, who gets the
money?” says Joe.
“Every last penny of it,” says Mr. Biggins.
“All I’m trying to do is find out the bloke’s name on
the first camera.”
“Hoo.”
“The bloke who gets…”
“That’s right.”
“OK,” shouts Joe.
“All right,” shouts Mr. Biggins.
Joe sighs and looks across at The Count. The Count
shrugs and says nothing.
“OK,” says Joe, What’s the bloke’s name on first
camera?”
“No, Watt is on second camera,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I’m not asking you who’s on second camera.”
“Hoo’s on first camera.”
“I don’t know,” says Joe.
“He’s on third camera, we’re not talking about him,”
says Mr. Biggins.
“How did I get on third camera?” says Joe.
“You mentioned his name.”
“If I mentioned the third cameraman’s name, who did I
say is operating the camera?”
“No, Hoo’s operating the first camera.”
“What’s on first?”
“Watt’s on second.”
“I don’t know.”
“He’s on third.”
“Blimey, I’m back on third again,” says Joe.
Joe lets out a quiet whimper and looks across at
Crawfie. Crawfie shrugs and says nothing.
“Look,” says Joe, “Would you just stay on the third
cameraman and don’t go off him.”
“OK,” says Mr. Biggins, “What do you want to know?”
“Now, who’s operating the third camera?”
“Why do you insist on putting Hoo on the third
camera?” says Mr. Biggins.
“What am I putting on the third camera?”
“No, Watt is on the second camera.”
“You don’t want who on the second camera?” says Joe.
“Hoo is on the first one.”
“I don’t know,” says Joe.
Joe and Mr. Biggins jump in the air, high five and
shout in unison, “Third camera!”
Joe lowers his head, raises it and looks across at
Marty. Marty shrugs and says nothing.
“Look,” says Joe, “You’ve got a Channel 4 producer,
right?”
“Yes.”
“The producer’s name?”
“Wye,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I just thought I’d ask,” says Joe.
“I just thought I’d tell you,” says Mr. Biggins.
“Then tell me, who’s the producer?”
“He’s the first cameraman.”
“I’m not…stay off the cameramen,” says Joe, “I just
want to know, what’s the name of the producer?”
“No, Watt is second camera.”
“I’m not asking you who’s on second camera.”
“Hoo’s on first.”
“I don’t know,” says Joe.
Joe and Mr. Biggins jump in the air, high five and
shout in unison, “Third camera!”
Joe starts to cry and looks across at the rest of the
GITs. They all shrug and say nothing.
“The producer’s name,” says Joe.
“Wye,” says Mr. Biggins.
“Because…”
“Oh, he’s the director.”
Joe whimpers some more.
“Look, have you got a location manager?”
“Yes.”
“His name?”
“Tamara.”
“You don’t want to tell me today then?” says Joe.
“I’m telling you now,” says Mr. Biggins.
“Then tell me.”
“Tamara.”
“What time?” says Joe.
“What time what?” says Mr. Biggins.
“What time tomorrow will you tell me who’s the
location manager?”
“Hoo is not the location manager,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I’ll punch your face if you say who’s on first. I
want to know – what’s the location manager’s name?”
“Watt’s on second camera,” says Mr. Biggins.
“I don’t know, “ says Joe.
All the GITs
jump in the air, high five and shout in unison, “Third camera!”
Channel 4 fade back from the
adverts.
No comments:
Post a Comment