CHAPTER SIXTEEN
A hush has descended on the auditorium as Mr. Ross
clears his throat for the big announcement.
“Now, without any further ado it is my pleasure to
announce who will be cwowned King Git for 2006. Nowwie? Would you be so kind as
to pwesent the award?”
Norrie marches on stage to cries of “Give us another
gel” from old Mr. Mayfield and says, “Oo me knickers is soakin’ Jonathan” and
gets another wild reaction from the crowd. “Oo me knickers is soakin’” she says
again, “Oo me knick…”
“Alwight, alwight Nowwie, we’ve heard enough, bloody
hell,” says Jonathan, Ladies and gentlemen, the 2006 King GIT………by one
point……is…….
.
.
.
The Count!
The Count jumps up with his sequinned hot pants
around his ankles and an empty magnum of champagne held in front of him to
cover his modesty. He acknowledges the crowd’s applause and shuffles towards
the stage as he prepares himself for the greatest moment of his life.
As he turns
his back on the GITs’ table, the abusive gestures begin. What had been polite
applause from the GITs abruptly changes. Pants and Joe make two-fingered
signals with both hands whilst sticking their tongues out. Marty appears to be
making a sign for the cameras that only one point separated him from The Count.
However it is soon apparent that his single raised middle digit is actually
intended for The Count’s back. This is confirmed by the loud raspberry he is
blowing. Crawfie has one of the three-legged chairs raised above his head and
is following The Count. Just in time, Pants lunges for the chair and deflects it
away from The Count…into Mr. Roundtree. His tray of Guinness once more smashes
on the ground. The usually calm, unruffled, kind, old gentleman has had enough
and he squares up to Crawfie.
“It wasn’t
meant for you,” says Crawfie. “Now ‘oppit before I gets nasty.”
“No, I won’t
‘oppit,” says Mr. Roundtree. “You lot have caused me to drop eleven trays of
Guinness including this one, if I’ve counted correctly.”
“So what?”
says Crawfie.
Pants and Joe
decide to intervene. Joe leads Mr. Roundtree back to the bar whilst Pants tries
to calm Crawfie down. “That chair was meant for ‘is nibs,” says Crawfie jerking
a thumb in the direction of The Count, who is still shuffling towards the
stage.
As he passes
his guests’ table, they stand to applaud. Well, Jade Goody and Tony Blair do
anyway. Pete Doherty and Noel Gallagher are unconscious in their seats on a
cocktail of Yalding ‘Best’ Bitter and tablets supplied to them by the four
alcoholic brothers from the funny family. Yalding ‘Best’ Bitter is brewed by
Mrs. Flagg in barrels kept under the urinals in the Gents toilet. Many people
have joked about it tasting like p*ss without realising how accurate a
description it is. George Bush is still humming ‘Golden Brown’ to himself. The
Count acknowledges the applause by raising the magnum and, in doing so, reveals
his modesty. Mrs. Flagg gets an eyeful and passes out whilst Mr. Biggins has a
stroke.
“Nice
wordplay,” shouts Pants, and The Count winks in his direction.
Five minutes
later he reaches the stage. Realising that he will be unable to clamber up onto
it, The Count bends down in order to hitch up his shorts. His backside is
pointing towards the GITs who have ringside seats.
“Excellent
word-smithery again,” shouts Pants who loves this sort of thing (the
word-smithery that is, not The Count’s posterior). “But point it away from us
would you?” The Count pulls up his shorts and gives Pants another wink. In
spite of the evening’s animosity between them, they go back a long way and many
years before when they had worked together, they had shared a similar taste in
comedy (except for that awful sitcom ‘Nightingales’, of course). In those far off days, The Count was just
plain Barry Rodgers and had yet to receive his full title of Count Yrrab
Sregdor the First. He would often stop by Pants’ desk and do his Dutch rock
star impression which was guaranteed to raise a smile on Pants’ face. In
return, Pants would show Barry his treasured wordsearch from a paper somewhere
up north. Hidden in the wordsearch was the phrase ‘you f*cking b*stard’ which
always made Barry laugh now matter how many times he saw it.
“Stop
digressing, you ponce!” shouts Crawfie.
“Sorry, I
didn’t know anyone could hear me, old boy,” replies The Count.
The Count
clambers up onto the stage and makes his way towards Mr. Ross. Carried away by
the heat and excitement of the moment, he turns around and does his best
Michael Jackson moonwalk. Facing the right way again, he starts to do a Chuck
Berry duck-walk with an invisible guitar. He finishes with two front-flips.
Mentally, he has calculated that this will stop him just short of Mr. Ross.
Unfortunately due to the large number of brandies that he has consumed, he has
miscalculated and the duck-walk takes him past Mr. Ross and his final
front-flip takes him over the side of the stage. Roars of laughter come from
the GITs’ table. Even Pants, who was starting to warm to The Count, is
practically wetting himself with mirth.
The Count
clambers back onto the stage and, this time, he walks towards Mr. Ross and
Norrie. “You stupid Count,” says Mr. Ross. At least that’s what it sounds like.
Remembering what Crawfie said to him back in Chapter Four, The Count decides to
try to take control of the situation…and to everyone’s surprise (except The
Count), Norrie removes a face mask to reveal that she is in fact, Clare Grogan
looking just as she did in ‘Gregory’s Girl’ and not as she did when she was in
‘Altered Images’ circa the release of ‘Happy Birthday’. When that song was in
the charts, The Count was a first-year student and had to share a room with Roy Roy
“You clever
old Count,” murmurs Clare into The Count’s ear as she presents him with the
award and plants a kiss on his cheek.
“Thank you, my
dear” ejaculates The Count who has had time to replenish his salty reserves.
Unfortunately,
at this moment, The Count’s Mum comes round from the deep sleep she has been in
for the last hour or so. She cries out “What’s slaphead doing up there again?”
and “It must be another fix”. “I thought she’d gone home,” whispers The Count
to Mr. Ross as the four alcoholic brothers from the funny family attempt to
lead her to the door. Mr. Ross motions The Count towards the mike. “Make it
bwief,” he murmurs so that only The Count can hear him. “I’m on a pwomise with
the weal Mrs. Flagg.”
The Count
approaches the mike and begins to speak. Once again, there is no sound. Mr.
Biggins, somewhat affected by his stroke, still manages to speed crouch across
the stage. He adjusts the mike and The Count begins again. He now sounds like
Norman Collier.
“Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,” he slurs with yet another wink at Pants who has
instantly recognised The Count’s poor Frank Hovis impression. The accompanying
resounding (albeit accidental and nervous) breaking of wind from The Count
confirms to Pants that The Count has decided to try to win round the audience
with a few impressions. Unfortunately Frank Hovis appeared in the late-night
Channel 4 program ‘Absolutely’ and is unknown to the majority of the crowd.
“What’s ‘e on
abart?” asks Crawfie. “And why does he keep winking at Pants?”
“He’s
impersonating Frank Hovis – badly,” replies Pants. “But I do believe he’s doing
it for me.” A tear rolls down Pants’ cheek.
“Never ‘eard
of ‘im,” says Crawfie. “Stop blubbering you nancy
With Pants
seemingly back on his side, The Count decides to try other impersonations for
the rest of the GITs. Remembering that Marty is a Chelsea
The Count ends
the medley with ‘It’ll Be Me’. As he sings the opening lines “If you hear
somebody knockin’ on your door. If you see somethin’ crawlin’ across the
floor”, he leaps off the stage and begins crawling towards Joe. Jumping to his
feet as he sings “Baby, it’ll be me”, he points at himself and with the “And
I’ll be looking for you”, he points at Joe. The rest of the song is a blur of
sequinned hot pants and whirling legs as The Count serenades and dances
seductively round Joe. Joe doesn’t know whether to join in or run for the exit
but he settles on sitting completely still, looking highly embarrassed. The
Count finishes and returns to the stage. The standing ovation he was hoping for
does not materialise.
Realising that
he has not done an impression for Crawfie (the most dangerous GIT of them all),
he racks his brains for something to do. He asks Mr. Ross quietly for some
advice. Mr. Ross suggests that, as Crawfie has taken on the persona of Mad
Frankie Fraser during the evening, he might enjoy an impersonation of Mike Reid
singing ‘The Ugly Duckling’. Had The Count done it in a threatening, cockney
way like the Mike Reid in ‘Eastenders’, Crawfie might have enjoyed it.
Unfortunately, he does it in the style of Mike Read, the former Radio One DJ.
“What a
Count,” is all Crawfie can say.
Realising that
the crowd is turning nasty again, The Count decides to press on with his
acceptance speech. He begins by thanking Captain Pete for all his hard work
throughout the year. The Captain acknowledges this by raising a transparent arm
which is holding a glass of grog. The Count continues somewhat nervously.
“Now Captain
Pete has asked me to say how wonderful my past year as King GIT has been. However,
whilst I do not wish to upset you old boy, my past year has been spent waiting
to know the result and not in the enjoyable manner spent by Joe during his King
GIT year. The fan mail has been non-existent, Mama and Papa Razzi have not
visited one’s door and there have been no bally rides in a limo.“ He glances
nervously at Captain Pete but he is sitting emotionless puffing on his pipe and
sipping his grog, which is quite difficult to do simultaneously. Not wanting to
upset the good Captain and half-expecting a dog to interrupt his speech at any
moment, he hastily brings his speech to a conclusion. The Count has not
forgotten how he hired that specially trained dog to ruin Joe's speech at the
last awards ceremony. He is expecting Joe to gain revenge in some way or
another and is therefore in a hurry to get off before Joe can do anything.
He ends by
thanking his fellow GITs for their participation in the quiz. Finally, he makes
a passionate appeal to Marty not to drop out of the 2008 quiz should it take place.
“Answer the questions from home, old boy. It won’t be the same without you!”
The other GITs nod their agreement.
With that, he
exits stage left accompanied by Clare Grogan (looking just as she did in
‘Gregory’s Girl’). He is followed by Mr. Ross who is clutching Joe’s old packet
of condoms in one hand and the real Mrs. Flagg in the other. They are followed
by the Dalai Lama with Winston Churchill.
No comments:
Post a Comment